Survival of the Fittest

“They see my smile, my laugh and the hurt behind my eyes, loss is not so easily disguised”

    -Julia Nunes

“Losing” someone is almost always taken as a loss by death, but I found the loss of someone can happen when they are very much alive. It’s not necessarily the loss of that person, rather the loss of the relationship, of the communication, of the trust, and for the coldhearted folks, it can be a loss of care for someone. I have recently and many times before encountered such a loss as I have described.

Friendships are easily made yet easily strained. So has been proven to me. I have/had a friend who is being smothered by stress. She lost her father two weeks ago and now just lost her grandmother. Her “real” friends turn their backs on her whenever it is convenient for them and she is often left to the solace of her tears. And I know I have the worst of timing, but I had some strong feelings about how she made me feel as a friend. She can be a bit abrasive and has much more of a dominating personality than me, so I left her a note to avoid interruptions and confrontation. Now, I haven’t heard her voice since, so I can’t be sure of her tone, but by the lack of contact and short sharp messages, I don’t think she took it well.

In this friendship, I was the support system. I had no problem with that, just that I needed some support too. I felt as if I was always left in the dark, and the friends who treat HER like the friend of convenience, were always a priority. She is nothing shy of a great friend and person. She is so vivaciously attentive, uplifting, and considerably understanding. But she tends to do and say potentially hurtful things without realizing how it affects those around her. She doesn’t do these things intentionally, but almost innocently as if she doesn’t quite apprehend what affect she is having.  As much as I advocate the thought of never letting go, I fear this may be my first opportunity. I want to hold on, but that is hard to do when I am the only one with a grip.

I started out simply wanting to stress my concerns to a friend, a harmless act. But now? Now I am the one with the consequences. I am the one losing sleep at night and bearing regrets. I’ve said “I’m sorry” a million times, nothing left to do but spell it out in blood. I never wanted this to happen, but I can’t fix more than what I don’t have control of. The one thing that holds me back from letting go, is the knowledge that this friendship isn’t over. It can’t be. I care too much. God has MUCH bigger plans for this friendship; much bigger than this rough patch. I know He wouldn’t have had me go through everything I did with this friendship for no reason. There is something to it, and I’ve known that since the day this relationship started. The main thing I want her to know, is that I will always be here for her, no matter what. Even through our rough patches. I just want her to give me that same appeasement. However, this isn’t fair to me, to let myself fall because I’ve upset a friend. While I may have been counting on her to always be there, some folks just cannot live up to expectations. Do I miss her? Yes. Do I wish this had gone a different way? Yes. But I know God has a plan for me when he brings people in and takes them out of my life. Either they will stay, go, or return. All I can do, is wait to see what God’s purpose for her in this friendship is.  

"Down the road the sun is shining and with every cloud there's a silver lining. Just keep holding on. Every heartache makes you stronger and it won't be much longer till you'll find love, you'll find peace, and the YOU you're meant to be. I Know right now that's not the way you feel, but one day YOU WILL." ---Lady Antebellum