“They see my smile, my laugh and the hurt behind my eyes, loss is not so easily disguised”
-Julia Nunes
“Losing” someone
is almost always taken as a loss by death, but I found the loss of someone can
happen when they are very much alive. It’s not necessarily the loss of that
person, rather the loss of the relationship, of the communication, of the
trust, and for the coldhearted folks, it can be a loss of care for someone. I have
recently and many times before encountered such a loss as I have described.
Friendships are
easily made yet easily strained. So has been proven to me. I have/had a friend
who is being smothered by stress. She lost her father two weeks ago and now
just lost her grandmother. Her “real” friends turn their backs on her whenever
it is convenient for them and she is often left to the solace of her tears. And
I know I have the worst of timing, but I had some strong feelings about how she
made me feel as a friend. She can be a bit abrasive and has much more of a
dominating personality than me, so I left her a note to avoid interruptions and
confrontation. Now, I haven’t heard her voice since, so I can’t be sure of her
tone, but by the lack of contact and short sharp messages, I don’t think she
took it well.
In this
friendship, I was the support system. I had no problem with that, just that I
needed some support too. I felt as if I was always left in the dark, and the
friends who treat HER like the friend of convenience, were always a priority.
She is nothing shy of a great friend and person. She is so vivaciously
attentive, uplifting, and considerably understanding. But she tends to do and
say potentially hurtful things without realizing how it affects those around
her. She doesn’t do these things intentionally, but almost innocently as if she
doesn’t quite apprehend what affect she is having. As much as I advocate the thought of never
letting go, I fear this may be my first opportunity. I want to hold on, but that
is hard to do when I am the only one with a grip.
I started out
simply wanting to stress my concerns to a friend, a harmless act. But now? Now
I am the one with the consequences. I am the one losing sleep at night and
bearing regrets. I’ve said “I’m sorry” a million times, nothing left to do but
spell it out in blood. I never wanted this to happen, but I can’t fix more than
what I don’t have control of. The one thing that holds me back from letting go,
is the knowledge that this friendship isn’t over. It can’t be. I care too much.
God has MUCH bigger plans for this friendship; much bigger than this rough
patch. I know He wouldn’t have had me go through everything I did with this
friendship for no reason. There is something to it, and I’ve known that since
the day this relationship started. The main thing I want her to know, is that I
will always be here for her, no matter what. Even through our rough patches. I
just want her to give me that same appeasement. However, this isn’t fair to me,
to let myself fall because I’ve upset a friend. While I may have been counting
on her to always be there, some folks just cannot live up to expectations. Do I
miss her? Yes. Do I wish this had gone a different way? Yes. But I know God has
a plan for me when he brings people in and takes them out of my life. Either
they will stay, go, or return. All I can do, is wait to see what God’s purpose
for her in this friendship is.
"Down the road the sun is shining and with every cloud there's a silver lining. Just keep holding on. Every heartache makes you stronger and it won't be much longer till you'll find love, you'll find peace, and the YOU you're meant to be. I Know right now that's not the way you feel, but one day YOU WILL." ---Lady Antebellum
