Going...Going...Gone

I have been told countless times by many people to “let my hair down”. I’m not sure how the meant it, but I took it in different ways from each person. I took it as letting my guard down. I took it as growing back down instead of growing up. I took it as take a breather and relax. Most importantly I took it as making a new start.

In 19 days or so I will be flying the coop and nesting in a world of my own. Well, almost my own. On August 18^th I will be transitioning to a university and living on campus. As independent as I am, you’d think I’d be more excited. And I am, or at least I was. I had always been told not to worry about those you meet at home because they will soon be forgotten. The friends you make when you live out on your own are the ones who stick with you through life. That’s the fine print that gets me. There are a few (anonymous) people here who I, at the very least, would never want to forget, or even leave. As firmly as I know that I won’t forget them, what if they forget me? It brings me back to a Rascal Flats song. The one that says “What hurts the most was being to close, having so much to say and watching you walk away”. I have so much I want to share with these people, events that haven’t even occurred yet but I am frightened by the mere thought that they could one day stop caring, forget, and then just disappear. I understand that they never could technically forget me, but it isn’t unheard of for relationships to weather with distance. I understand it may seem off the charts impossible, but I have had this happen too many times to know which to heal from first. I just hope I never have to see “letting my hair down” as letting go.

Deuteronomy 4:9 Only take heed to thyself, and keep thy soul diligently, lest thou forget the things which thine eyes have seen, and lest they depart from thy heart all the days of thy life: but teach them thy sons, and thy son’s sons.

Survival of the Fittest

“They see my smile, my laugh and the hurt behind my eyes, loss is not so easily disguised”

    -Julia Nunes

“Losing” someone is almost always taken as a loss by death, but I found the loss of someone can happen when they are very much alive. It’s not necessarily the loss of that person, rather the loss of the relationship, of the communication, of the trust, and for the coldhearted folks, it can be a loss of care for someone. I have recently and many times before encountered such a loss as I have described.

Friendships are easily made yet easily strained. So has been proven to me. I have/had a friend who is being smothered by stress. She lost her father two weeks ago and now just lost her grandmother. Her “real” friends turn their backs on her whenever it is convenient for them and she is often left to the solace of her tears. And I know I have the worst of timing, but I had some strong feelings about how she made me feel as a friend. She can be a bit abrasive and has much more of a dominating personality than me, so I left her a note to avoid interruptions and confrontation. Now, I haven’t heard her voice since, so I can’t be sure of her tone, but by the lack of contact and short sharp messages, I don’t think she took it well.

In this friendship, I was the support system. I had no problem with that, just that I needed some support too. I felt as if I was always left in the dark, and the friends who treat HER like the friend of convenience, were always a priority. She is nothing shy of a great friend and person. She is so vivaciously attentive, uplifting, and considerably understanding. But she tends to do and say potentially hurtful things without realizing how it affects those around her. She doesn’t do these things intentionally, but almost innocently as if she doesn’t quite apprehend what affect she is having.  As much as I advocate the thought of never letting go, I fear this may be my first opportunity. I want to hold on, but that is hard to do when I am the only one with a grip.

I started out simply wanting to stress my concerns to a friend, a harmless act. But now? Now I am the one with the consequences. I am the one losing sleep at night and bearing regrets. I’ve said “I’m sorry” a million times, nothing left to do but spell it out in blood. I never wanted this to happen, but I can’t fix more than what I don’t have control of. The one thing that holds me back from letting go, is the knowledge that this friendship isn’t over. It can’t be. I care too much. God has MUCH bigger plans for this friendship; much bigger than this rough patch. I know He wouldn’t have had me go through everything I did with this friendship for no reason. There is something to it, and I’ve known that since the day this relationship started. The main thing I want her to know, is that I will always be here for her, no matter what. Even through our rough patches. I just want her to give me that same appeasement. However, this isn’t fair to me, to let myself fall because I’ve upset a friend. While I may have been counting on her to always be there, some folks just cannot live up to expectations. Do I miss her? Yes. Do I wish this had gone a different way? Yes. But I know God has a plan for me when he brings people in and takes them out of my life. Either they will stay, go, or return. All I can do, is wait to see what God’s purpose for her in this friendship is.  

"Down the road the sun is shining and with every cloud there's a silver lining. Just keep holding on. Every heartache makes you stronger and it won't be much longer till you'll find love, you'll find peace, and the YOU you're meant to be. I Know right now that's not the way you feel, but one day YOU WILL." ---Lady Antebellum

Damsel in Nightmare Distress

I have heard it said that nightmares are what our reality would be if we had lost all control. I have also heard it said that they are nothing but suppressed feelings and memories, sometimes distorted ones. Lately, my two most intense emotions have been anger and sadness. Both, I fear, have been suppressed and ignored, so they manifested themselves through nightmares. In the day, I have the feeling with no pinpointed explanation, when I close my eyes for sleep, I have more explanation than I know what to do with.

I have a friend whose life is a hot mess. Reminds me a lot of the Katy Perry song “Hot and Cold”. I have seen her so sad, and yet I have seen her so vibrant. No one’s happiness depends on themselves, but hers is dangling right in front of her face. Where is her happy medium?

In the past few weeks, I have been having nightmares of me yelling at her about things that are potentially hurtful, and could do major damage if this was a real life occurrence. The same battle happens over and over each time I go to sleep, and when I wake up, I catch myself saying “I’m sorry” repeatedly. Almost as if I thought it were real and haven’t quite bounced back into reality. When dreaming, I know exactly what I am saying and in some cases, I recognize it is all a dream even when I am in the middle of it. Yet when I wake up, I can’t recollect a single word I had said to her; however, my anger doesn’t subside. How does a person overcome something that isn’t tangible?

Nightmares are no stranger to me, so I don’t blame her for this one; although, no other nightmare has ever been this close to being realistic. I am planning on talking to her about this with hope that it will put these intense feelings at ease, but exactly how is this matter brought up? Something that is so grave to me could mean so little to her, or even worse, she could take offense. With her it’s easy for things to get out of hand and have a simple conversation be turned into an unnecessary altercation. Do I subconsciously have these feelings and thoughts towards her or is my anger of other life events being unintentionally taken out on her? How is it that I explain what I can barely remember but rather go on by feeling? How would I make the connection of something so unknown to another person? More importantly, why? Why am I saying these things to her in a dream when I haven’t even had the thought of saying them to her in actuality? Why am I so scared of a simple little nightmare? And why am I so hesitant to talk to her (the one person who I am supposed to be able to tell anything) about it?

To Making It Count

I haven’t been missing Upward Bound, until the summers roll around. There is something enticing yet unexplainable about the summers at Upward Bound (UB for short). When I look back on my four years spent in that program, I can’t think of a better way to spend my summer. The UB summer of 2010 was perhaps the most rewarding.

Each summer we take a “cultural” trip. Imagine, sixty teenagers and about ten adults on a bus (or in 2010’s case, a train), cramped, for hours at a time. Some trips reaching 18 hours. Even in those conditions, I can’t remember a single complaint. Just laughter. Upward Bound isn’t your typical educational program; it is a family and nothing less. And laughter is much expected when this family is together.  In the summer of 2010, this brood went on a cultural and absolutely no fun (wink wink) trip to New Orleans, Louisiana. Take some time to put this thought together: sixty kids on an eight hour train ride to the Big Easy.

Our trips start days before we actually leave. It begins when we get our itineraries and room assignments because that is when the anticipation sets in. We all go home and pack our bags slowly in fear that it all will be over too quickly. Our trips could last a month and it would still feel like too short of time. The itinerary gets given first and the room assignment second (for a surprise effect). Little did I know at the time that being in the group that I did, was going to make all the difference.

As for my chaperone, I had Mrs. Arnold, or just plain Arnold as I refer to her. It was her first summer in the program and I had only known her a few short months; However, I knew her well enough to know that personally, I had a superlative make for a superlative vacation. As for my team members, I had Ana, Jenna, Mini, and Carmen (Mini and Carmen are also sisters). Ana is sweet and kind and a tad bit reserved. Jenna is also sweet and quiet, yet she is nothing shy of fun. Mini is all play and no work. She is quick to make someone, ANYONE, laugh even without the slightest effort. Her sister Carmen is the same way. Her laugh is unbelievably contagious. All of them plus me equals the “A TEAM” (“A” standing for Arnold of course).

Our voyage began on a bus that led to the eight hours on a train. On the platform, a group of us were searching for the wall between platforms nine and ten, also called platform nine and a half (a Harry Potter reference). When we finally got to Louisiana, our itinerary immediately felt overwhelming, culture shock as most call it.  I can’t recall much, and what I can recall, is from my own group. I recall the nights in the hotel where Ana, Mini and Carmen’s room felt like eighty degrees and mine, Jenna, and Arnold’s seemed below zero. I recall Carmen always being twenty paces behind. I recall Arnold letting us five girls raid the Redbull truck of all it’s energy shots (which all went to Carmen and I); the only evidence of what happened in the hotel last night is this short video.

And let's not forget our ATeam bracelets that Arnold bought us at the Riverwalk Mall. Kept and treasured forever.

The first morning...

Carmen and me. This was taken in the sliding glass door on our balcony.

We only spent an hour in the oven, but we came out steaming hot! Sweating out our curls and sinking in our heels, but we still know how to strut and pose. 

Our chaperone knew how to create a good quality group time. While other groups paired up for supper, we flew solo to a place called the Gumbo Pot. We hardly touched our food, instead, we laughed until the tears ran down our cheeks and our stomachs ached. Carmen, being the bearer of many laughs, shared with us that she would like to try popping the tires on the train. She'd be so embarrassed if she found out that I wrote that. It's two years later and that's still an ongoing joke.

I guess my point of this blog is to inform others that the best moments in life become memories, and like most memories do, they fade. Yes, even the good ones. So visit them often. And if you ever find yourself  cocooned in the warmth of laughter and good company, make every second count. Chances are, you'll never have that exact feeling back.

Hearsay

It can take years for a solid brick wall to be built, but only seconds to destroy it- much like the human self-worth. Why is it that we humans put so much stock into what others say and think about us? I have once been told that in the end, all we truly have is ourselves. Knowing that, I question why we try so hard to please everyone else but ourselves? To make everyone else happy while we leave ourselves miserable? Try as we may but our hard work doesn’t always pay off. I can’t help but to remember the absent people in my life who said that they’d always be there for me. Did they just say that as a way to gain my trust, or to just keep me satisfied until they up and left? Did they really think they could slip away without me knowing? I have had so much loss in my life that I could easily recognize it in any given circumstance. Some say I am wise beyond my years and tell me about what a blessing that is. I must admit that I’d rather be dumb and blind so I could be getting hurt and never know it. My in my state of mind now, everything is just too real, and like they say, truth hurts. People are going to talk about you no matter what. If you are doing well, they will feel threatened. If you make a mistake, they feel that their lives are superior to yours. Then there comes the time when the people who you thought would be in your life forever, just disappear. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am a verification of what happens when you put too much heart into something you think is stable. The truth is, nothing good lasts forever and is as good as what it appears to be. Yet, we risk the chance of having our hearts shredded and thrown on the floor at our feet. The memories we wish to hold onto, lose their clarity in just a few years’ time. BUT, I was also once told that God knows every little detail in our life story before we are even created. Knowing this makes me stop and think that we humans do all the crazy things that we do for an actual reason...not just out of stupidity. This is used as God's tool to help us want to grow towards Him. After 19 years, I have finally figured that out. Now, if only the other 7 billion people in this world could do the same, but I must start with me. It's time to start growing! God bless the child that suffers.

A Real Fine Place to Start

I have always struggled with self acceptance, even somewhat today. Accepting yourself is a process, or so I've learned. I recently have re-read the book The Purpose Driven Life, and I absolutely love it. Religion is something that I have also struggled with because it is something so unfamiliar. I have learned that self acceptance comes with the realization that your life has a purpose, a purpose that God planned for you. The catch is, none of this starts with you, it starts with Him. Finding your purpose is not a self-centered accomplishment. For me, this is a newly started life-long journey. I have always believed myself to be what others say I am (positive&negative). What I never knew is that the more I believed it, the more I became it, and the more I became it, the better their points were proved. The more that I became what everyone said I was (negatively), the more unhappy I became. BUT, it led me to turn to God. I am new to this whole "faith" thing, but I have seen that a little faith goes a long way. If you are fighting off doubts, insecurity, negativity, or any circumstance where you are struggling to keep your chin up, have a little bit of faith. Turning to God, is a real fine place to start.